I had no idea how fragile I was until last week.
I have been pushing through and through with so many new things around me, that I may have missed something. My body had been trying to tell myself to slow down for quite some time. I’ve been bouncing around and moving so fast that it now seems like it was inevitable for me to crash at some point.
About 2 weeks ago, I had one of my close friends, Angel come to Key West with some of her other friends and I was able to spend some time with her. It was just enough time to spark some emotions I hadn’t felt in years. It’s a really difficult feeling to describe. Something so familiar, but now it is with you in a new place of unknowns. When I came down to Key West, I was so focused on the new that I wasn’t missing the old unless it was late at night. I didn’t look at moving as something where I would never see my friends or family again. I looked at it as a, “see you soon”.
It’s hard to be a new person. You have to put yourself out there, meet new people and trust people. That last part I have a lot of difficulty with and it’s been a constant through my whole life. I have never fully trusted anyone. I have some type of doubt in my head that a person will not be there for me. I don’t allow anyone to know everything about me, and I only show the parts that I think they will accept. I am an extremely open person in general, but there are things that once in a while I am afraid to share.
The last 3 years I’ve worked hard on being me and enjoying life. I’ve become less angry and I laugh and smile almost all the time. I had been working so hard on being the best me but I still felt like no one knew me fully. Prior to my separation from my ex husband, I had lost myself. I had put myself in a box and was trying to appease everyone else. I didn’t have a backbone and had zero confidence in myself. When I was on my own 3 years ago I began to rebuild, and I was getting better and better. I felt the most happy I had been, but inside there was this part of me that still felt like I was reserving myself in ways and I needed space to reclaim who I am. Coming to Key West was that opportunity for me. No one would really know me and I could embrace myself.
Angel’s visit was absolutely great! I was so happy to see her and spend time with her and catch up on all that’s been going on. But within the course of 2 days, a feeling of anxiety came crawling in. Seeing her made me so happy, but I couldn’t shake feeling on edge. I knew there was nothing she had done that would make me feel that way, and it seemed after she left the anxiety drifted a little.
At first I didn’t really pay any attention to the feeling of anxiety. With my depression, I wake up every day with this cloud over me, and it goes away after I get up and get moving. To me, this was just a flare up of emotions that may have been from having too many drinks. But then I started to notice my brain jumping from one thing to the next. My thoughts were looping a little bit and I couldn’t maintain focus on conversations. Instead of listening to my body and not my thoughts, I continued on. On Sunday of last week, I was rushing with some paddle boards and slipped and went down. My phone went into the water (in a badly sealed dry box) that same day, and I didn’t bother to slow down. By the next day, my phone was telling me I had headphones in when I didn’t, accompanied by a massive bruise that went up my leg. I kept going and I was finding my voice couldn’t always keep up with my brain. On Tuesday during a tour, my phone (in said dry box) went back into the water again. I scooped it up and put it in a bag of rice within minutes. I then jumped a puddle, slipped and cut my toe open. I still didn’t slow down.
My phone died Wednesday morning, along with my pictures and contacts. When I moved I brought my old phone that was 4 years old just in case. I was planning on making that my working phone for the time being. Instead, I ended up dropping it on the floor and the screen broke. Talk about my kind of luck…
On Thursday, Nick and I were to go to Miami to drop off Shaye on Friday morning at the airport and pick up my friends, Cathy, Lisa, and Brandon who were flying in. Everything felt overwhelming by Thursday and I had a major meltdown by myself, before leaving. I continued on through the meltdown and didn’t slow down. At 9:00 am on Friday morning, I had another meltdown but this time with Nick in the car. That one slowed me down for a few minutes… mostly because it was in front of Nick, but also because I realized I haven’t had behavior like that in a while. I didn’t have much time to figure out why it happened, and went right back into go go go because I wanted to see my friends.
I was so ecstatic to see Cathy, Lisa and Brandon! They are my people! I wanted them to see everything! I dove right into hostess mode and tried to ignore the bigger feeling of anxiety. Throughout the weekend my anxiety levels went up and down. I felt at ease sometimes because I was so happy to see my friends but other times I felt paranoid. I also felt really clingy… and that’s not normally me. I couldn’t shake the feelings and I tried to keep going. On Saturday, I found myself worrying about what everyone was thinking and I didn’t tell anyone what was going on. At one point early Sunday morning, I realized I needed to stop. I needed to just enjoy my friends, and enjoy the day.
When I don’t slow down I don’t think rationally. I put my brain in a constant state of thought after thought after thought and I forget to just be. When I finally slowed down and started to just go with the flow, things were a lot easier. I started to realize why I was having anxiety and being so scatter brained.
I left Baltimore to be Judy to the fullest. To allow myself to be whoever I am with no judgements. To make choices because I think they are right, and not because I know someone else will approve of the choice. The last couple weeks taught me a lot of things. One of those things is that my friends and family will love me, no matter what. I don’t need to worry what people will think and being me isn’t a bad thing. The only person who has really been judging me, is myself.
Since moving to Key West, I’ve been feeling like Judy. With no regrets and no hesitation. I think the merging of old and new started to scare me. Instead of seeing that everything would be fine, I started to back pedal into old habits of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and worrying what people would think. I haven’t been really honest with anyone or myself, and living in fear for a long time. I don’t need to do that. To be me, is all I need.
I have a lot of work to do to love myself. It’s not going to matter whether I’m in Key West, or in Baltimore, or wherever. It’s only going to matter if it starts now.
The Lesser Traveled Road 
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